4.03.2011

1.2.3.

I don't know if it's the sloughing off icky pre-cancer cells that's going on or the season changing or what-- but I've been re-struck with some fundamental sound bites that were offered and subsequently consumed when I was in treatment.  January 2, 2011 marked the 4th year of living semi-insanity-free.  Simply said, sober. 
Sober from alcohol because it nearly wrecked my life and those around... check.
Sober from the same kind of crazy thinking that i either a)still try to numb with some other non-alcoholic something or b)still try to hide for some strange conditioned and/or innate reason... not so check.

Here's what I learned in treatment that i hold on to with my life still today:
Recovery/Sanity depends on my ability to be:
1. honest
2. open
3. willing

These 3 bites I used to munch on quite a bit.  I would take the actions I needed to take when one or more was lacking.  When I put off looking at my inability to be honest, open-hearted or minded, or willing-- I get uncomfortable in my skin, I write a lot of stuff down but don't do much, I avoid more and more of life.  Then i get stuck.  Stuck inside my head.  And that my friends is simply not good, not a good track record, just plain not a super-sun-shiny place.
Re-seeing the importance of honesty, openness, and willingness is good.
Just like taking care of my skin issues that would otherwise keep growing into bigger issues, is good.
Slathering on antimetabolite cream that kills abnormal cells doesn't feel good or look good in the moment, in parts of the process.  I can't cover over with make-up and can't stay in denial about damage done and the type of skin i have that is more or less allergic to sun.  I can't deny the fact anymore that extreme care and commitment to sunscreen must be a part of my daily regimen ad infinitum.  I can't keep writing myself reminders about changing my daily habits, can't keep putting it off until tomorrow or next soccer game or next summer. 
As I start this treatment for my skin, I also realize I don't want to stay stuck in my head.  Don't want the counterproductive- pre-cancerous so to speak- thoughts to grow.
  So with that I'll slough off a snippet of what's been stuck inside, untended to, and growing- fear.  Fear of not getting things done i know i need to get done, fear of not doing things right, fear of not being good enough, fear of losing someone or something, fear of talking, fear of fear for heaven's sake.
Open-- i feel like i just opened what was like a storm door holding all that fretting inside.  It's out. Out in the open and all is still ok.
So now, there you have it... as the skin sloughs away, so do some of the paralyzing thoughts that multiply in a similar fashion to cells.
One minute at a time today means being inside this minute- not letting the anxieties of Monday or finances or the paper due Tuesday or the job i need to find or the book i want to write or the slew of 'good intentions' that only create caverns of unrealistic expectations and mountains of things-to-do lists...
Willing, I'm willing to be right here in this minute and not squirm around unhappy with the RIGHT NOW. Even if right now isn't where i think i need to be.  I'm willing to start small, right here, with these words, releasing copious fears as i write them. Willing to leave the sense-making to the Creator of thoughts, and that is definitely not me.
Honest-y today I seek. Not seeking to hide or hermit, but seeking honest minutes like this, for no big picture reason other than to slough off thoughts and cells and
well, just be here in Sunday.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Inspiring.

Judith

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