5.09.2010

mom day.

Wonderful mother's day.  breakfast with boys and mom. reflexology on feet. crazy windy soccer game. movie 'BABIES'[fascinating] with mom. barnes and noble stop before heading home. calm feelings. about to dive into a research paper for school. 
quiet. the boys are at movie with dad. overwhelming gratitude for... all. 
missing Mimi. aching. grief so part of life.  the sad so part of the gratitude.  both vivid colors on the feeling wheel.
grace feels so tangible when i stay in the moment, even if uncomfortable or paradoxical. 
i want to become more and more an intrepid mother and women. 
not necessarily because of great things being accomplished. not necessarily because of achieving great physical strength.  
because it's hard to sit in the unknowns and not try to squirm away to find comfort in the illusive hopes of financial/ health/ career/ anything security. 
Intrepid mothering to me means observing and learning instinctively how to mother my sons. intrepid to me means admitting my faux pas and modeling to the boys how to heal versus how to avoid hurt. intrepid to me means admitting i don't have answers and as a dear and wise friend guided, live moment to moment choosing to see the positive rather than predicting the negative. 
intrepid means courage, boldness, and fearless.  i don't consider myself any of these things by nature. but motherhood has brought them out. instinct has brought out the intrepid side of me, someone who has struggled with debilitating fear and near toxic brain chemistry.  the very thing i've learned in recovery has given strength ultimately.  
i.have.no.control. 
i.have.a.choice.
this minute matters. 
live in the questions, as rilke famously said. 
live in the strange, unpredictable place that might involve missing a loved one, or being hit with a momentary wave of remembrance of the past- involving hurting someone you love or loving someone who went away, or being hurt.  
but not.getting.stuck.there.
learning from the mistakes, the muck, the mess. 
remembering the miracle of making it out alive.
thankful for the grace that whooshes in the minute i admit total and utter powerlessness over anything i thought i was in control of.
 open up to more learning in those paradoxical moments of life. 
in the giving of love when one is exhausted. 
in the trying something new if the old way isn't working. 
in the asking for help rather than suffer in silence.
in the gratitude for challenges like school and time management rather than focusing on the feelings of inadequacy. 
in the jotting down fresh new ideas and thoughts and swimming in AHA! moments
rather than wallow in defeat of not understanding...
in the mothering moments that come when i least expect it, hence unprepared, rather than carefully crafted advice (that usually doesn't work anyway)...
i could go on and on. for now i'm sitting in the questions and feeling the grace of acceptance and gratitude rather than dwelling on the oh so many what ifs? and whys? 
thankful today that i am a daughter to an amazing mother who is human and in recovery too. 
thankful today that i am a mother to the 2 most amazing miracles, who've taught my heart how to swim in love rather than fear its loss. 
thankful today that somehow, somehow i got a second chance to take all this in, the fog cleared, my addicted sick self somehow waved the flag of surrender in time to take in the life i might have missed.  
accepting reprieve when i least deserve it. 
the reprieve is available each day...
if simply...chosen.

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