So... yesterday was ol' birthday day. I have to say, it was above all peaceful.
That would have seemed entirely and pathetically boring at most points in my life.
2010:The day from beginning to end evoked this grand canyon-ish experience of tranquil contentment, thankful beyond belief that i wasn't navigating my way out of the fog of a blackout raked with nebulous guilt of well, who knows what.
or desperately hoping for a new car to suddenly appear with a big bow atop in the driveway
or bemoaning the fact the i am-- yes-- shock of shocks!-- another year older which must mean something depressing and socially unacceptable... i mean getting along in years
Oh the places the mind will go if allowed!
Not yesterday. Not today. Not allowed.
Fact is, too many times i've not said thank you for life, especially on those crazy days that marks annually our planet birth entrance.
I've not celebrated life, quite opposite often I've wanted to be younger, thinner, happier, in general and defiantly different than who i find myself to be at that time.
If it took a few near overdoses and being in a room full of crazy strung out knuckleheads (self-included in description) for 30 days to knock some sense into this
and realize LIFE IS A GIFT. (goofy blunder-y bits and all...) then thank heavens some sense got knocked.
There's so much choice in receiving a gift or not. I didn't realize i had such a choice in that recognition of life as a gift.
Treasuring life today feels peaceful. Peaceful feels like sanity. Pockets of peaceful here and there add up to a bigger sea of joy than i ever could have imagined when i used to choose to swim in pain. It's not a 'everything is super awesome birds singing tweety sings overhead', it's a calm acceptance of what
and finding the what is as
i still have goofy blunder-y moments in most days... but a different kind than blackout sort of blunders.
A kind like forgetting to say simply thank you and and forgetting to recline back into a deep smooshy comfy pillowy easy chair of peace because i've stopped looking at what i'm not and what is not,
and started looking at well, how gosh darn grateful i am. even to still... be. Still so amazed that somehow the darkness didn't totally envelop
and i get to see the sea of love around me.
still somehow embracing me, blunders and all.
(thank you precious sea of love)