Inmate. Convict. Captive. Patient. Resident.
I was a captive of chemicals.
A patient in treatment.
A resident in a white room.
Sober slowly. Sane slower. Searching a way out of
Chronic self pity
Chronic sickness dependent, dependent, I needed,
And needed. Something of substance in form of
Liquid, my liquid courage,
kept blood pulsing, mothering possible,
Held undesirable emotions at bay, away, far away as long as I drank.
The pain I didn’t want to feel, oozing hurts that wouldn’t heal
Hand me a drink, I felt at peace, how could I not pledge undying love allegiance to the only thing that so called kept me sane.
the un-addicted who sit perplexed on the judgment seat
they don’t need or feed…
This need of drug, of something…
To Alter the way we see
The way we plea
The way we achieve
Normal-see like you.
Captive of chemicals.
As it hit my lips it set me free
Caught up with a stream of blood designed to need
And need; keep needing, don’t stop to think…
A drug, a pill, that drive, that thrill, when not had
At will, a crash, a backlash
A pact, I had to make a pact.
When I lost it I would find it, no matter what
You said or begged
I promised my liquid love I’d re-fill that bottomless cup.
I know the pact
How it lures you (us) to act
And do the things you’d (I’d) normally run from
Later picking up the pieces and crumbs
The after-shock your (my) loved ones turn from
Left alone. It’s only you (me).
I deserved it too.
Car drives, nap times,
late nights, blackouts,
we broke the law, we broke the trust
we lied and cheated, made family seams bust
I went home after thirty days,
Valley of Hope arrested my fragmented ways.
No bars, no prison cell held me there
My sentence? This locked up imbalanced brain,
“Don’t feed it, please just don’t feed”
I told myself day after day, I breathed
And denied feeding that urge.
I walked from one day to the next and learned
A new way to cope with myself
The past and the present, the brain cells
Life began changing color, dim turned to bright,
Un-relenting heat turned to fall
No longer afraid of the night.
One day at a time, and breathing in deep
No longer held captive even if charged,
Heart free, brain clear, blood stream—
Mosaic made now with the broken pieces
Slices of and fractions together fill
Spaces… slices and shards of the past
Brought together mosaic-ly with that broken glass
Women, mothers, we were full of shame
Captive of chemicals, inmate to a reckless game
UNTIL someone believes
There’s more to us than needles and drinks
Than anger and neglect, than confusion and regret
Women, mothers, we were caught
We were locked up, we were found out
We were stopped in our tracks now
We can pause and let go of
The convict inside us. Ironic if convict is
Where they might find us.
The real battle? The mind…
The hating self, the crime
We hungered and thirsted
For affirmation not curses
And drank til we found it
Blurred faces surround us
The real battle? The mind…
Whether or not the time fits the crime
Greatest need—release from thoughts that keep us locked up
Those moments, those days, the ways, we failed and forgot
To our sweet babies.
Creator of the Second Chance
please teach us how and set us free.